kenya is a wild and wonderful place. As the country is filled with lions and giraffes and zebras, you might think it’s little more than a nature preserve for foreign sightseers. How wrong you are.Today, i will take you to the wackier side of Kenya where the monkey terrorists reign supreme and the white women do unspeakable things. (But this is an Ash list, so you know we’re gonna speak about ’em.)Yeah, i will start you off with a factoid or two, but then we’ll get to the good stuff. So fasten your seat belts and get ready for the wildest safari you’ve ever been on. If it’s funny or in poor taste, we’ll be sure to cover it. We may even throw in some serious stuff. Enjoy!
WHERE THE WHITE WOMAN ARE IS KENYA
For many in the so-called progressive West, a patriarchal system is in place under which men rule and women have no power. Despite the evidence for such a reality being as strong as that for Hitler living in Buenos Aires, the flip side is very real in Kenya. For many years now, rich mzungus (“white women”) have traveled to Kenya in search of “mandingo.”
“It’s a social arrangement. I buy him a nice shirt, and we go out for dinner. For as long as he stays with me, he doesn’t pay for anything and I get what I want—a good time. How is that different from a man buying a young girl dinner?” says one woman.If we are looking at equality between men and women, there is no problem with such consensual relationships. However, precautions should be taken, particularly in a nation with an Hiv prevalence of about 6 percent of the population according to 2015 estimates. However, the rates vary dramatically by county—from a low of 0.4 percent of the population in Wajir in eastern Kenya to a high of 26.0 percent in Homa Bay in western Kenya.
LAND OF MANY TONGUES
An amazing 67 Languages are spoken in Kenya. While the country’s official languages are English and Swahili, the other major languages have evolved from those of tribal culture Africans. A minority group formed by the descendants of the foreign Arabic and Eastern settlers generally favor speaking Middle Eastern and Asian languages such as Arabic and Hindi.
Three main language families dominated the region. People in central and southeastern Kenya speak the Bantu language while the Nilotic languages are common among the people of western Kenya. The third language group is Cushitic, which is common in the northeast.
NO FRIDGE NO PROBLEM
Due to total lack of electrical infrastructures outside of major cities during the country’s modernizing period, the Kenyans were introduced to a wild array of beverages without the accompanying technology to keep the new wave of terrible American beers cold. Perhaps the Kenyans have discovered some way to make Budweiser or Coors palatable at room temperature.
Who knows? We do know that all your favorite drinks are available in Kenya, just at a cozy 25 degrees Celsius (77 °F) in the shade. In a way, it’s an honest appraisal of the quality of American lager that this quasi–rat urine fluid is the same at any temperature. On the other hand, the possibility of consuming warm Czech pilsner is daunting. Let us not even contemplate how people handle champagne.
A MONKEY CUT THE NATION’S POWER
Think we were kidding about the scant electrical grid in Kenya? Well, in 2016, a monkey fell off a roof onto a transformer. The resulting power outage lasted for four hours and completely darkened the nation.
Despite electric fences, intrepid animals who may or may not be attempting to conquer humanity can and will turn off the lights for the whole nation. What agenda these possibly despotic primates have we may never know. Do they want to hold our XBox Live access hostage for Bananas? Is this a declaration of simian war that we just cannot understand? Why won’t they tell us?
In any case, this particular monkey terrorist survived and apparently escaped death by firing squad or prison. Liberals, eh?
MONKEY SEX TERRORISTS RAID VILLAGES
Some readers may consider the electrical apes to be a mere comedy, whimsy, or facile amusement crafted to entertain. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, monkey terrorism a broad-ranging issue in Kenya.
In 2007, up to 300 monkeys began raiding the village of Nachu in terrifying dawn raids. Not only were these chimpy chompers eating all the villagers’ food, it quickly became apparent that these monkeys were misogynists, too.
“The monkeys grab their breasts and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us,” said one villager. Despite dressing up as men, the women of the village were unsuccessful in fooling the hairy transgressors, who simply threw stones and chased the women away.
Monkey conflict is a fairly regular occurrence as a village afflicted by drought in 2000 found out. Whether this is down to environmental factors or some twisted, anthropoid form of neo-Nazi ideology we may never know. Kenyan monkeys are a violent scourge despite their cute, cuddly appearance.
Hopefully when next you are going on a vacation or a long time leave, please take your time to visit one of African’s Strongest Nation “Kenya”.